Discussing SUICIDE doesn’t sit well with me. Not an easy Subject for me. I’ve visited this one on more than one occasion. Yes, I wanted to kill myself. And I planned it on many a night.
But I am writing this because of a Stars and Stripes Tweet. Like most of us, I don’t like sharing the bad, what I used to think as bad, with anyone. Looking at Thinking of Suicide as being BAD is not the right approach. Thoughts of Suicide is just your mind telling a person that the kettle is Boiling Over. And needs fixin…
But if my talking might stop one person from killing themselves, from committing Suicide, then my write served its good purpose.
First Off, I am diagnosed with PTSD with Psychotic Episodes. Still am and will be until I die. Taking on this Monster Head-on is no easy thang. But It is a THANG!
A Thang that is always with you, like a second person living within you. But yes, it is what I believe can be beaten back.
But 1st thing is you MUST realize that YOU CONTROL IT, it does not control you.
If you will only come to understand who or what this thing is inside of you. That might take a lifetime. But accepting that it is in you will take a lifetime of understanding on your part for sure.
It’s a monster if that is what you want to call your Demon chasing you. But for me, it is the daily visualizations of seeing that horrible stuff over again. And how do I beat mine?
Once a visualization begins, if I think about it, I snap my head away and look somewhere else giving my brain new information to checkout and drop out of it completely. But if I do watch it again, I simply DO NOT ENGAGE! I DO NOT TALK BACK or say a thing. Today, I can watch “them” without a tear. But yes, they are still there.
My thoughts of SUICIDE have vanished, but I know how easy it is to bring them back. But writing helps me. Drawing, Painting, or Reading or Talking might help you. Watching TV or Movies. A Pandemic and being Quarantined didn’t help anyone. Multiple Overseas Deployments is a heavy load. My one was enough for me.
But Human Companionship does play a positive Role. My wife and Kids were a big reason for NOT killing myself. I didn’t want to hurt them.
I’ve been to three Head Docs and tried multiple of Meds. I’ve often wished I could just take a toke on a joint, but I haven’t seen real weed since 1978. And I will always support Recreational USE. And yeah, I saw the V.A. And the Head Doc recommendations was that I get HELP! But that was a quick DENIAL on the V.A.’s part.
So, self help, part of it, most likely came by being a Texas Prison Guard and the marriage thing. No. You, at least for me, I never wanted to let anyone know that you have had or are having Suicidal Thoughts.
And why? For me?
- Fear of How Others will Look upon me. And would that stigma last?
- If I do it, it’s all on me.
- Would it cost me my JOB? What an Odd reason, I know. Such am Odd thought. Like I could go thru with Suicide and still keep my job. Huh?
- Playing Russian Roulette sent me to the 1st Head Doc. But even with him and all of them, I didn’t want to tell anyone and didn’t till now. To you.
- Fear of My firearms being taken away.
- Fear of being Locked-Up and having what happened in One Flew Over The CooCoo’s Nest would happen to me. I’d already seen a woman that had her head operated on and will never forget how horrific it fixed her.
- Fear of the possibility of something worse on the other side. People used to say if you killed yourself that you’d be stuck as a Bus Driver driving other Dead Folk between Heaven and Hell if you Kill Yourself.
- I set Deadlines that if something did not Happen, I’d go home and kill myself. And they were fixed. Set in Stone.
People don’t have a Clue how their bad treatment of someone who is already having a High level of Anxiety can help that Suicidal Person carry on with the Deed.
Then helping cut down two Offenders that were HANGING, had actually hanged themselves, at two different Prisons in Texas helped me SEE what it was really like…I Retired a Texas Correctional Officer
Blood spraying from Bodies didn’t mean a thing to stopping it in me. Blood spraying on me didn’t help me none. The Hangings did.
And both bodies hanging were an eerie color of purplish blue. And they were DEAD! But both, before we could start CPR, God put breath back into their body. I mentally prayed for that. And each had taken a massive rise-up and one long gasping for that 1st New Breath of air into their bodies. I believe God Chose to give both men a 2nd Chance. Not my Praying.
The 1st one never remembered that he had tried to kill himself. The 2nd, he knew, he remembered.
But no, it might not make you think that by their attempted Suicide that it could help stop mine.
But after the years went by, I learned to teach myself to get back out of a psychotic episode when they come. You can do this, but no, I don’t think I could have taught myself just overnight. It’s been a constant Battle, an ongoing thang. Lifetime long.
And my Overseas Deployment, I served in the U.S. Army as a Gunner on a main battle tank, and another place put these psychotic episodes into my mind by my being at them in real life. One of them still won’t let my mind see the body being pointed out to me by a U.S. Army Major only a few feet away. I still can’t see it. My own mind has protected me or WTH? Questions I may never get answered.
Suicides in Texas prisons hit 20-year high
Forty inmates killed themselves in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in 2018
Apr 6, 2019
I Retired working Texas Prisons in 2019.
Before I left, SUICIDE became the Most Important Subject discussed during out Shift Turnout Briefings. We discussed it and had to Watch a SUUCIDE PREVENTION VIDEO every week and we were constantly reminded to Look for the Suicide Signs. Offenders had to Watch the Suicide Prevention Video too. Suicides kept getting worse each year. Warning Signs?
The two Hanging Suicidal Inmates gave NONE! No warning at all!
I promise you. Prison is Doable, but might be the worst place for you. Might be the best if you’re homeless and not getting meals.
But I know how difficult it is to discuss the fact that you are considering SUICIDE with anyone. But for me, just having the physical touch of another human, a caring person did help me. Always have. And fights among lovers can be harmful when physical contact is withheld.
But ANXIETY can transform itself in you into thoughts of ending your life. And for me-
- I thought about KILLING myself.
- I thought about How to do this.
- I thought about How it might impact those depending on me.
I realized my thoughts were wholly selfish. I was cheating the Grim Reaper of His Fun. I was not giving God’s Plan for me a chance to WORK. A Panther’s Father Book Series would never have been written had I killed myself. I put my wounded and bleeding Soul and Heart on display in A Panther’s Father.
Most importantly, you must know this-
- You are not alone.
- You are not the 1st to think such thoughts.
- You will not be the last to think such thoughts.
- It’s Okay to tell someone. Getting a little help can prevent YOUR Life Changing Event that will leave others very, very hurt. Your actions might give the Go-ahead to someone else that you love.
I’m not any kind of SUICIDE Professional. Im not the Professional Help you might need.
But dang, 1978 until today is a Lion’s Share of Not Giving-Up and killing myself. A pretty good indicator that maybe, just maybe I’ve learned How to Defeat my own PTSD with Psychotic Episodes!
And if I can Beat It, I know you can too.
No, the hardest one to ever swallow is the part of just Admitting it to someone else. Letting someone else know.
And if they aren’t the right person to tell, I know cause I’ve heard some lame words-
You’re Lying. Liar! See you still breathing. Get that Shit out of Here! Leave me alone! Need a Gun? Or. Wow, can I watch? Can I film it? When? Hurry up and just do it, will ya.
But please, Give God’s Plan a chance to fix you right up. Won’t be easy, but still is very Doable beating this Suicide Animal in you. Taming it will be a winnable struggle. But you can do it. Or
Call for Help! Call and Let the Professionals know or just your spouse or kids or parents. But let someone know.
Trust this-Living is better than Dying.
So, pick Life.
And yes, I wrote these books with the Military in mind…i know how hard and challenging being away on Deployment can be so far away from home. The 1st book in the Series is by far the Best.